So today has been a really weird day for me... (I'm blogging, for one). I have lately found myself questioning a lot of decisions I have made in the past. Maybe not questioning decisions, but wondering "what if's".  If you would have asked me 4 years ago where I would be right now... Here, is not where I would have told you.  Granted, I knew I would still be in this geographical "area", but emotionally, physically, relation-ally (word?), never in a million years would I have thought things would have been this difficult.

When I was newly divorced, I was in such an amazing place (I felt like it at least)... I mean who says that? I say that. When you are released from a toxic environment and you immediately feel like a weight is released off your shoulders, you are in an amazing place.  I was thrilled to be going to church again, and I had the support of my amazing family and friends. I also had brown hair... (hmmm...).  I felt unstoppable. I went back to school (almost finished with that), I was running, I loved my job, I met an amazing person, found a great house, I was crafting, I even took my first missions trip to Madagascar... You just have to wonder when things kind of started to fall apart.

Even last year was amazing, since this is titled confessions... I ALWAYS preface this by saying, I'm not crazy, well at least not any crazier than you are... I saw an amazing therapist that helped me just by allowing me to talk out my issues. (note to self, maybe that might help again).

I don't want to say by any means that my life is horrible,or falling apart, that is definitely not the purpose of this.  I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams and I know that. I've been saying it's just a funk, or seasonal effective disorder (easy excuse when you live in the CLE). For the past 2  years I feel like I've gone through this... It's like I lose myself over the course of a few months (Early November to early April, what I like to refer to as the "Months with No Sun"). Whatever I am, it is the complete opposite of motivated... This winter has been particularly difficult.  I even got to the point this year where I felt like I have been failing as a parent. This day-shift schedule is not all it's cracked up to be... I'm just saying.

A wise man imparted words today on my life and they went something like this, "you never get to the end step until you take the NEXT step". I think I am always getting so caught up on how I want life to be and what the quickest way of obtaining that would be. So I spent today reflecting on the past few months, trying to get to the root of this discontent... I even spent some time on my face just listening and being still... and there are several roots.  So I decided to write down what I need to do to maintain "ME", and I fully intend on placing them on some sort of "vision board" (yep I said that... VISION BOARD).  Resuming my blogging is on the top of that list... I am not sure what kind of blog I will continue to create... I know I've done kind of crafting/"cooking"/lifestyle blog... But if my life goal of making money off of a blog is ever going to come true, I have to find my niche.

My mission over the next few months is to get JESSICA back, and to not let the winter months steal her again... EVER.  I am the queen of procrastination... and I need to take the advice that I so graciously bestowed upon a friend today and "not put off til tomorrow, that which can be done today" (granted he was bought 2 things of kale at the store instead of 1 kale and 1 spinach and was going to take 1 back... frankly 1 bag of kale is too much.. .just saying).  I am always saying, oh Monday or next month, or next summer... Nope. The time has to be now.  Hebrews 10:36- "you need to persevere, so that when you  have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised" More to come.... - Mommy Spooner


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